Remasters finally (bikini) bottom out with Spongebob

We’re all goofy goobers, yeah

Are you ready, kids!? An enhanced remaster of the cartoon-licensed PS2/Xbox/Gamecube 3D platformer, Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom: Rehydrated is coming to modern systems next year! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? You know very well who, stop being stupid. I’m in no mood for your mind games.

Being a 2003 console game, Bikini Bottom is a 3D platformer starring the titular entrousered metazoa as he hauls sponge ass around his unusual deep-sea suburbs rescuing all and sundry from an evil robot army, while being sure to collect about a trillion things. Shiny Objects are your musical notes and Golden Spatulas are the Jiggies. Patrick Star’s socks are, erm, Mumbo Tokens. And they all need grabbing to open a clutch of incredibly gamey locked doors with numbers on them.

A screen taken from the original version. As you can see, it looks incredible.

The whole thing is very Banjo-Kazooie, in fact, and that’s no bad thing. Bikini Bottom is remarkably good and polished considering it’s a children’s TV tie-in and those were always absolute death on Gamecube (do not leave a comment with your list of exceptions – I am not interested). There’s a pleasing understanding of platforming fundamentals at play – you don’t have a lot of moves, but what you’re given is effective for both traversal and combat. Not that the enemies in Bikini Bottom put up much of a fight. But you wouldn’t want a prolonged duel with Spongebob, would you? You’d kill yourself just to get away from the annoying sod.

(Squints) No idea what this is.

Of course, the elephant seal in the room is recently-disgraced publisher THQ Nordic, who seem to have generated a wave of goodwill with their announcement of this project. Let’s see whether or not they earn it, or if they decide to promote Bikini Bottom by once again hosting an online roundtable with child-molesting nazis.

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